Well, it’s getting to that time of year that always promotes the most thought, soul-searching, and general bemusement.
I think it’s important to look back over 2009, as well as look forward to 2010. All in all, 2009’s been a good year for me, academically at least. I completed my MA, learnt a huge amount about myself in terms of self-discipline and research methods, and have attempted to carve out a path for myself career-wise. I’ve spoken at 3 conferences, and had some really good feedback about my work. I honestly feel like I’ve progressed a lot this year.
On a personal level, it’s been a weird year. I’ve experienced the first year anniversary of a truly great friend’s death, I’ve called time on a best-friendship, and (as always) had numerous boy-issues. On a positive note, I’ve cultivated some really awesome friendships, and grown a lot closer to some really fabulous people. People that I think have helped to shape me as an individual, and have spent some great times with. Unfortunately, 2 of these people are now (or will shortly be) far away from me, and although this definitely sucks, I have a gut feeling that these will be friends for life.
It’s strange, bad relationships and good relationships seem to be equally beneficial for me. I’ve learnt a lot about myself from my reactions to dodgy friendships and relationships, and think I’ve managed to accumulate some emotional intelligence, which my family seem to think I’m particularly scant in.
Family relationships are where it all goes a bit, well, shit. This Christmas will be exactly a year since a *major* family bust-up, in which I learned certain things about how my family perceive me. Even a year on, I still don’t think my relationship with my immediate family will ever be the same again. And this terrifies me. My family home was always my retreat: no matter what happened with friends, uni, boys, I could always escape there, and I loved being at home. Now, it’s just my parents’ home. Chester’s my ‘home’ home. I do feel at a total loss as to what to do. I kinda pushed it under the carpet and tried not to think about it, but with it coming upto a year, it’s hard to ignore it. People say it’s important to ‘be strong’, but in truth, it’s the fact that I didn’t cry that has worked against me. My parents don’t know how I feel about what happened last year, and I don’t know whether I’ll ever tell them. I spoke to a counsellor in Liverpool several times, and ranted countless times to my then best-mate, but this hasn’t seemed to have helped. I don’t know. I feel that it’ll be opening a massive, infested can of worms if I try to talk to them. I guess I’ve just got to keep on doing what I’m doing, and maybe it’ll ease with time. I took nothing positive from this experience. The opposite, in fact. It’s taught me to keep things quiet, and repress stuff that makes me sad. Which is shit.
I’ve got big plans for 2010. My resolution is pretty massive: ‘be healthy’. This encompasses several things: emotional health, financial health, and physical health. For the first one, I’m going to try my hardest to keep away from boys that make me question what I’m doing and who I am. This has happened in the last couple of months, and I’m drawing a line under that particular dalliance. Financial health is pretty self-explanatory – be careful with my money, open bank statements (when previously I’ve just stashed them somewhere), and get rid of overdraft! Physical health is going to be fun. I’m going to give up smoking, drastically reduce my alcohol intake (also connected with afore-mentioned boy and weekly nights out), and get exercising. I used to go canoeing with my Dad, years ago, and I’m eager to pick this up again. I’ve got in touch with a local canoe club, and hopefully I’ll be able to start this. It’s such a therapeutic sport! I’m also going to make use of my gym membership, and I’m considering starting yoga or pilates, as people tell me these are really good for you! While uni work isn’t encompassed in these resolutions, all the above-mentioned plans will impact upon my PhD, in a positive manner. I’ll have loads of energy for writing, cash for trips, and won’t waste time procrastinating over stupid men! I’ve got big plans for uni stuff too – there are two ‘in-house’ conferences early in the year which I intend to speak at, and the annual BritGrad conference at the Shakespeare Institute in June. I’m really excited about these, as I thoroughly enjoyed the conferences I did this year.
This is a rather odd blogpost, but I haven’t done it in so long that I’m out of practice! Hope to write something more thrilling soon!
