Monday, 22 March 2010

Poems

I've been trying to disseminate some of my poetry recently - I will be appearing in 'Krax' in the summer, and have just had two poems accepted for a new e-zine 'Social-i'. Thought I'd put my 'old' poems up on here (ones written in the last two years, anyway), just to get them 'out there' ...


This is a poem that was published in 'Anon' last summer:



Exclusion


By the dining room door
A Labrador lurks,
Whilst Dad, obsessed with work,
Carves the turkey
And delves into the murky
Depths of my cousin’s
Education.



This poem was published in 'Albatross' in January of this year:


Quintessence of Dust


‘The team welcomes you’

is scribed on the blackboard lodged by the door.

A yellowing skull balances on a dust-coated lamp,

as toilet seats, beam-hung and arrow-topped,

direct you to the cornered facilities.


Motley squares

chequer the ceiling windows.

The DJ’s pulpit juts out over the confessional,

so appreciated by the Sambuca congregation.


Waitresses swarm,

complete with an offer of ‘curly fries’.

Plus that dithering smile

somewhere between obsequiousy and expectancy.


'Fosters?'

With a flourish: the upward toss of the glass

exhibits perfect hand-to-eye coordination.

The pint-pot is shaken to produce a 5% head.


The lone, silent man,

wedding finger bare,

clutches his John Smiths.

A ghost beside the decorative barrels.



The next two poems have been accepted for 'Krax':



Period


The cursor pauses over the scarlet cube:
Fe = Iron.
While the tobacco pouch,
Grudgingly released,
Spills strands onto the desk,
The poet contemplates chemicals.



The F Word


Her name is musical;
Iambic.
She likes saying it.

Tandem male queries, broad and low:
‘What does the “F” stand for?’
No longer dreading to hear the genderised protestations,
To counteract with years of Scottish heritage,
She reveals the abbreviated particle.

They repeat her name in its entirely back at her,
Absorbing the full effect.
She recognises the brow-lowering;
Smiles.

‘Fraser? Isn’t that a boy’s name?’
She waits for the sitcom reference.


This one has just been accepted by 'Social-i', along with a poem called 'Wanted' in my previous post:



Troy


I met her eyes:
Fuzzy brown behind the milk steam.
Long-lashed and unblinking, she stared,
Then reached round for something just out of my eye-line.
Something pink.

I reach for more coffee beans,
Fancying
That I’ll be a fleeting vision
In her future.
Amidst thoughts, images, and lists,
School ties, prom dresses and mortar boards
Slouches a man: blue-capped and well-heeled,
Forever sipping, wiping, stocking.

They leave. The pram turns the corner.

I rub my left ankle on my right,
And yearn for immortality.



I've just sent this one into 'Shadowtrain'. Fingers crossed!



Sign In


JDchic_16@hotmail.com:
Cross-legged and desk-bound;
Spectacled soul-searching.

She compartmentalizes
People, feelings, and materials:
Family, lovers, friends;
Orgasms, arguments, references;
Receipts, theatre schedules, newsletters.
Vertically stacked:
Divided.
She folds attachments into small, yellow boxes.



These others are just random poems that I haven't quite got round to sending in to magazines yet ...



Curry-oke


Sweat-drops sting and ‘baby’ breaks:
The heart of a frustrated karaoke singer
Bottoms out.

Exemplary performers receive a korma.
His vocal chords fossilize:
The bitter-drinkers
Petrify.



Empty


He’d left his wallet
Next to her Lowry card on the night stand,
Along with some throwaway remark
About bringing his Hockney round:
‘That wall needs some colour.’

Absorbed in its refreshing plainness
She stares at it,
Picturing him at his desk:
Pinstriped and strained,
Blue eyes dulled from call-centre queuing.

She contemplates
How best to refuse his bike’s porch shelter.



First Light


Sheet of black glass punctuated by stars.
Stillness waiting, waiting: immobile scene
Waiting for day, for the well-lit hours.
Double-arched bridge framing the towpath green.
New light breaks through the clouds: a rosy hue
Defines the bank’s black trees: one bough by one.
Pale dapples appear on the boat bows blue,
Owl caught motionless against the red sun.
The glass shatters: ripples disrupt the sky
Painted on the water; the surface stirs.
A kingfisher: a blue buzz flashing by:
Spying, diving, catching, scattering! Light blurs.
A boat’s horn sounds – from reveries I wake.
The peace evaporates, a new day must break.



Furniture complex


Fading in pastels:
Guest-room shades remove life. I
Apply foundation:

Pale out tear marks.
While
The uneven carpet shakes:
Too much brushed beneath.



Physic


Red wine: a ruby drug
To tranquilize the mind.
A bloody anaesthetic.
Dionysus’s gift
To the dancers: he makes them blind;
Heads deceived by grape’s trick.
No longer a spirit’s lift:
A liquid thug.



Tracks


Meeting his reflected glance,
She’d surrendered, exaggerately,
To the inevitable compulsions:
Lip-licking;
Eyes flitting to and from the Northern-Line glass.

Sinking into chef-talk and referee critiques,
She came up against the expected barrier:
Colourfully blatant and painfully psychological.

Repulsing herself,
She ignores how his pupils dilate.
Heaves her Skechers-clad feet on the £50-fine seats.



This one kinda speaks for itself. Doubt anywhere would publish it ... May have to wait til my collection :)



When
Minge is too comical
Pussy too sexual
Vagina too technical

Cunt.

Monday, 18 January 2010

Some new poems

Amazingly enough, I've been rather creatively inspired of late! Have managed to churn out the following poems in a remarkably short space of time. Thought I'd get them jotted down here if anyone was interested ...


Templates

As I gaze at my shadow,
Stooped and quiffed over the railings
In the 2am pitch,
I flick ash into the midst of it,
And picture, in it, your face;
Dissolving, soggying, disintegrating.
Ceasing in the cold.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Txt politix

For months,
Replies meant everything:
In a few words,
Well,
Countless abbreviations,
Lived emotion, promises, and lust.

A mis-sent message
Revealed your game.

And now it no longer matters
That I’m the last one texting,
Because
I know how to use apostrophes.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Haiku

2 inches of snow:
The whole world collapses, and
Men think their point proved.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

2010:
Brought in with wine slugs, pizza,
DVDs, and solitude.
Infinitely preferable
To hogmanay hype and
False pivotal seconds.

I think of
The numerous smug couples
Deceived.
Picture new year kisses
49 seconds after
Big Ben launched 1000 replicas
At his feet.

How many new starts,
How many promises,
Vows, apologies, and personality transplants
Are being declared
One mili-second after another,
In the pursuit of midnight?

The thought of robotic embraces,
Like now then now then now
Diffuses my thoughts of you,
And who you’re kissing.

It’s not me who’s being conned
By lines, fizz, and fucking Tesco’s time settings.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wanted:
Fake in an apron.

American wannabe required to spout:
‘Hi, I’m (enter name here), I’ll be your waitress today,
I hope you have a lovely time’.

Must be willing to whore soul out
For the sake of rent, stuffed pasta,
And Arden Shakespeares.
All for minimum wage, and 60% credit card tips.
(Not including washing time of uniform:
Because white is the obvious colour for uniforms
For an Italian restaurant).

Spaghetti sauce wastage will not be taken out of your wages.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Diagonal zips
Attest.
The intersection of conflictions:
A complicated seamwork
Defending silence and sweeping.

I take a practice shot.
Jagging a nail
So fast I can see the white line,
For the length of a second,
Across the ‘shade 03’ expanse
Blanketing tangible phalanges.

Considering
The density of nerves in the tips
(Like pylons:
Electrified, charged),
My fingers flatten.

I imagine this being my excuse:
The paradoxical blunting
Inherent in a razored motion.

And it doesn’t matter that I’ve never seen this through:
Bleeding can be stifled; scars fade, blades blunt.

A cathartic multitude of personal signatures
Deface a pale canvass,
Etched in invisible ink.
Blood only visible though blue filters:
Mapping out the
Pen-stained cartograph of my hand.

Sunday, 20 December 2009

New Year, New Year ...


Well, it’s getting to that time of year that always promotes the most thought, soul-searching, and general bemusement.

I think it’s important to look back over 2009, as well as look forward to 2010. All in all, 2009’s been a good year for me, academically at least. I completed my MA, learnt a huge amount about myself in terms of self-discipline and research methods, and have attempted to carve out a path for myself career-wise. I’ve spoken at 3 conferences, and had some really good feedback about my work. I honestly feel like I’ve progressed a lot this year.

On a personal level, it’s been a weird year. I’ve experienced the first year anniversary of a truly great friend’s death, I’ve called time on a best-friendship, and (as always) had numerous boy-issues. On a positive note, I’ve cultivated some really awesome friendships, and grown a lot closer to some really fabulous people. People that I think have helped to shape me as an individual, and have spent some great times with. Unfortunately, 2 of these people are now (or will shortly be) far away from me, and although this definitely sucks, I have a gut feeling that these will be friends for life.

It’s strange, bad relationships and good relationships seem to be equally beneficial for me. I’ve learnt a lot about myself from my reactions to dodgy friendships and relationships, and think I’ve managed to accumulate some emotional intelligence, which my family seem to think I’m particularly scant in.

Family relationships are where it all goes a bit, well, shit. This Christmas will be exactly a year since a *major* family bust-up, in which I learned certain things about how my family perceive me. Even a year on, I still don’t think my relationship with my immediate family will ever be the same again. And this terrifies me. My family home was always my retreat: no matter what happened with friends, uni, boys, I could always escape there, and I loved being at home. Now, it’s just my parents’ home. Chester’s my ‘home’ home. I do feel at a total loss as to what to do. I kinda pushed it under the carpet and tried not to think about it, but with it coming upto a year, it’s hard to ignore it. People say it’s important to ‘be strong’, but in truth, it’s the fact that I didn’t cry that has worked against me. My parents don’t know how I feel about what happened last year, and I don’t know whether I’ll ever tell them. I spoke to a counsellor in Liverpool several times, and ranted countless times to my then best-mate, but this hasn’t seemed to have helped. I don’t know. I feel that it’ll be opening a massive, infested can of worms if I try to talk to them. I guess I’ve just got to keep on doing what I’m doing, and maybe it’ll ease with time. I took nothing positive from this experience. The opposite, in fact. It’s taught me to keep things quiet, and repress stuff that makes me sad. Which is shit.

I’ve got big plans for 2010. My resolution is pretty massive: ‘be healthy’. This encompasses several things: emotional health, financial health, and physical health. For the first one, I’m going to try my hardest to keep away from boys that make me question what I’m doing and who I am. This has happened in the last couple of months, and I’m drawing a line under that particular dalliance. Financial health is pretty self-explanatory – be careful with my money, open bank statements (when previously I’ve just stashed them somewhere), and get rid of overdraft! Physical health is going to be fun. I’m going to give up smoking, drastically reduce my alcohol intake (also connected with afore-mentioned boy and weekly nights out), and get exercising. I used to go canoeing with my Dad, years ago, and I’m eager to pick this up again. I’ve got in touch with a local canoe club, and hopefully I’ll be able to start this. It’s such a therapeutic sport! I’m also going to make use of my gym membership, and I’m considering starting yoga or pilates, as people tell me these are really good for you! While uni work isn’t encompassed in these resolutions, all the above-mentioned plans will impact upon my PhD, in a positive manner. I’ll have loads of energy for writing, cash for trips, and won’t waste time procrastinating over stupid men! I’ve got big plans for uni stuff too – there are two ‘in-house’ conferences early in the year which I intend to speak at, and the annual BritGrad conference at the Shakespeare Institute in June. I’m really excited about these, as I thoroughly enjoyed the conferences I did this year.

This is a rather odd blogpost, but I haven’t done it in so long that I’m out of practice! Hope to write something more thrilling soon!

Monday, 31 August 2009

September, September.

Wellll, it's 31st August 2009. I'm officially 16 days away from my awesome new life! Between now and moving back to Chester, however, I've got the dissertation to contend with. It's progressing quite nicely. I've got second drafts of all 3 chapters, which are *pretty much* down to the word count I wanted, I've nearly finished my introduction, and I have the majority of my bibliography and referencing done. Wooo. I've got to write my conclusion tomorrow, which is being attached to the end of my third chapter. This is good news: I hate conclusions, I think they're a waste of time and words. I think that if you've done your job properly in the essay/dissertation, then you shouldn't really have to summarise what you've done and what it's shown. Ho hum.
Had a look at the events list for Chester Literature Festival in October: it looks ace!! I'm excited about several of the events: there's a 'life writing' workshop that I'm going to go to, an open mic session, a book swap, and one of the Chester lecturer's reading his poetry. Should be really cool! The life writing one looks particularly interesting. I think I mentioned in a previous post that I like the whole cathartic writing thing. This opinion's been greatly reinforced by my reading some real life memoirs of depressed people: ie. Susanna Kaysen and Elizabeth Wurtzel. The link between mental disorders and writing is incredible. Not that I'm saying I have mental disorders. Not at all. Purely that everyone's got issues and, for me, writing poetry helps me figure them out in my head. It all comes down to organising disordered thoughts. I decided a few months ago that I'd try to write a haiku sequence. This is as far as I've got:

Fading in pastels:
guest-room shades remove life. I
apply foundation:

pale out tear marks.
The uneven carpet shakes:
Too much brushed beneath.

And yes, I know I went overboard with the colons. This is really, really personal to me. It's based on my parents' decorating 'my room' in their new house: I wanted to recreate my old bedroom with bright yellow walls and tiger print bedding, but they refused. The room was being used as a spare room, and therefore 'had' to be decorated in guest-room pastels. It now has kinda magnolia walls, a tulip border, daffodil print curtains, and white bedding. Anyone who knows me reasonably well will know that this is really not a style I'd have chosen. Anyhow, this sequence is basically about what I think may be a typical family situation: not addressing problems, just trying to cope with other things and get along. I quite like it so far, I think it's got something.
I think that having a really personal element in poetry or writing in general helps to distinguish it a bit. A lot of my poems are based on something I know, or I've thought about, rather than just random objects or whatever. It's cheaper than therapy! Joke. I think this life writing workshop will be really interesting, and will hopefully give me ideas on how to incorporate 'my stuff' into my poems without fears for crypticness or reader distancing. I'm looking forward to it :)

Thursday, 27 August 2009

'Girls don't like boys' ...

Last week I was ‘invited’ to take a quiz on Facebook: ‘how happy are you?’. I was in one of those procrastinating kinda moods so I went with it. The questions were all like: ‘are you single?’, ‘are you in full time employment?’, ‘do you own a house?’. Easy to see how they classify happiness. I got a 50% happy result. This is balls. I’m actually incredibly happy at the moment, perhaps the happiest I’ve ever been! My dissertation’s on track, I’ve worked my last shift at that horrible, horrible job, I’m starting a PhD in just over a month, I’m moving back to my favourite place in the world in a few weeks ... You see where I’m going with this. I’m feeling very content with my life right now. And what annoys me is the fact that people assume singleness constitutes unhappiness. In my (albeit limited) experience it’s more often the other way round!

My ex best mate, who I mentioned in a previous post, was always utterly boy crazy: if she didn’t have a fella on the go then she wasn’t happy. She’d have been the right kind of person to take that quiz. She’s still like that now: our sporadic phone calls used to centre on which lad text her, which lad smiled at her, which lad breathed in her half of the hemisphere … I never really got this. She had a string, and I mean a string, of wanker boyfriends: one that hit her, one that cheated on her then dumped her by text, one that ignored her, one that continually put her down … Every time she met one of these guys she launched into this spiel of ‘I’ve never met anyone like him’, ‘I’ve never fallen for a bloke this fast’, ‘I’ve never felt this way before’. It got a bit predictable. Growing up with someone like this eventually put pressure on me to think more about blokes. I’ve never really been the type of girl that chases after men, maybe that’s why I’ve never had a serious relationship, hey ho. My first boyfriend was a lad called Danny: we went rabbiting together, went to the Auction Mart together, went riding together … It was a lot of fun. Then he dumped me after I put the phone down on him for cancelling our plans. He grovelled over text a few weeks later with the immortal line: ‘I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch, it was the middle of the sheep season and I was knackered’. My parents found this hilarious! But yeah. There were a few candidates after ‘ferret-boy’, as my cousin named him, but nothing serious. They always said or did something that I (rightly) took exception to and told them where to go. THEN there was Ryan. We worked together in a pub in Chester, he was pretty, South African, funny, good cook … Everything was funky dory until we went for a drink after the gorgeous meal he cooked. I did my usual trick of getting pissed and going on about Shakespeare, to which he said ‘Shakespeare … He wrote the Great Gatsby didn’t he?’. OH. DEAR. GOD. I sobered up in an instant and said ‘what?!’. ‘Yeah! Yeah! He definitely wrote the Great Gatsby!!’. Argh. That relationship was over shortly afterwards. I don’t think I’m a snob, but anyone who thinks that Shakespeare wrote the Great Gatsby is definitely NOT upto scratch.

Being Sarah’s best mate meant being there for all the family occasions to which the three eldest girls would bring out their newest man flesh and Anita (her mum) could get to know them. Anita loved this, and seemed to take real pride in the fact that all three of her eldest daughters had attachments. I started feeling a bit guilty, probably a few years ago now. I worried that my mum was missing out on something that other mums would get: a daughter bringing boyfriends home. I brought Danny up to our canal boat to meet them for ten minutes, but that was it. She told me I was being silly, but it still preyed on my mind for a while. Last year I had a couple of months where I felt like I really wanted a bloke. Any bloke. A lad who I knew had liked me for ages who I really wasn’t interested in rang and asked me out, and I said yes. It was when I described him to my parents that I realised what I was doing: ‘he’s not the best looking bloke ever, but he’s a nice guy’. I was settling. When this prick stood me up on this date that he’d been pestering me about for years, I came back to reality. For a short period of my life, I thought that it would be better to be with a nice, reliable, maybe not that attractive guy than to be single. I was very wrong. I refuse to settle. I’m not the best looking person ever, I don’t claim to be perfect, and I probably annoy people sometimes, but I think that I deserve better than a relationship for the sake of a relationship. Fair enough, I don’t have the kind of lifestyle where I go out on boozy nights every weekend and meet some random guys, but I don’t want that. I met a bloke a few months back who I really thought things would work out with, but he was in the same position as me in terms of workload and busy times. And thinking about it, I really wouldn’t have been able to commit to anything at that time anyway. But who knows. Maybe he’ll ‘come to his senses’ and spare me an hour :)

I think there’s a lot of pressure on people to be in relationships: I know a lot of older people who are with men/women they don’t want to be with, but they just don’t want to be alone. I can kinda see the logic in that, but I’d hate it. I really don’t think I’ve met anyone so far in my life that I could contemplate spending a whole year with, living with, buying a dog with. When I was going through my ‘I need a bloke’ phase, I kept thinking ‘I’m 22, single, and have never had a long-term relationship. Sarah’s had loads of serious boyfriends’. But that’s the point. Sarah HAD loads of serious boyfriends, none of them stuck around. A relationship doesn’t guarantee longevity. Fuck me, I’m cynical. My parents met at university, fell in love, married, and are still disgustingly soppy. Maybe that’s had an influence on me? Maybe not?

Thursday, 20 August 2009

As? Bs? Cs?

A close friend's daughter, who has turned into a close friend herself, got her AS levels today: she got two As, a B and a C. I thought these were really good grades, and can be built upon in her A2 year; she's got her heart set on Cambridge though and is rather disheartened by these results. She's one of the cleverest, most dilligent people I've ever met: she's only just turned eighteen, but is *so* mature, sorts out all her revision herself, swots constantly, has been swotting through all of the summer 'holiday' for preparation for this next year. She got all A*s and As at GCSE, goes to a private school on a music scholarship, and is just incredibly dedicated. She's got an outstanding extra-curricular profile: head of Chester cathedral choir, music coach, multiple prize-winner, charity helper. And she's worried that she won't get into Cambridge. I'm utterly amazed.

I was similarly astounded when I read the university league tables for 2009. Personally, I think this is a really shit idea. It encourages elitism and rests purely on grades. For example: Chester, where I took my undergraduate degree, and also where I will be taking my PhD at, is ranked only 90th in the table. If you said to me that I could go back 4 years and choose ANY university to study English at, I'd choose Chester every time. Sod Oxford and Cambridge. The University of Liverpool's only ranked 40th, and that's considered to be a much 'bigger' and better known university than Chester. In fairness, when I choosing where to study, I had only a cursory look at the league tables because my Dad was interested to see where Chester ranked. This was after we'd been there for an open day and I'd decided that Chester was the only place I wanted to go.

In the recent RAE thing, Liverpool apparently got the highest grade possible, signifying that their research is fab, internationally acclaimed, that kind of jazz. I can categorically state, however, that my time at Chester was many, many times better than what I have had at Liverpool. It's been a good experience to study in a larger department and a larger university, but if anything, it's helped to reinforce my already high opinion of the quality of teaching/learning at Chester. I think there's a very fine line between the facets of the academic: of course research is a huge thing, I don't deny that, but it must be balanced successfully with the teaching role. At Chester, all of the lecturers had this absolutely perfect. At Liverpool, there are certain members of the academic staff who make it clear that they would rather be off researching whatever obscure topic/author they're focused on. 'Bigger' is not always better. In an interview before my place on the PhD was confirmed, the head of department asked whether I thought I'd be at a disadvantage in future for job-seeking with a BA and PhD 'only' from Chester. I replied that if places are all that prospective employers are interested in, then I have absolutely no interest in working with them. I stand by this. Elitism does my head in, and I think people, research, and personalities are MUCH more important than where their degrees came from. I'd like to think that I'd be judged more on what I've written and disseminated than a name on the top of my BA certificate.

I don't really know how universities *should* be judged, because obviously results are important, but I think that the general state of England at the moment will shortly make university-level education a highly elitist thing. (That sentence was going so well before I wrote 'thing'. Hmm). I mean, consider the economics at the moment. They've hiked tuition fees up already by more than half (in 2006), and now the government want to increase it by 2 or 3% before forcing a move through to double them again. This will, obviously, encourage only wealthy families to put their children through university. At the opposite end of the scale, families with less than however much annual income and/or whose children will be staying at home will either have greater non-repayable grants, or no tuition fees. This is good, I grant you, but there's a middle class of people. My parents' income is too much for me to be considered for grants, everything is 'means-tested'. This bugs me: just because my parents earn 'x' amount does NOT mean that I get it!! The general financial state of education is fairly shaky and needs some serious thinking about, if the government want to encourage young people to go to university, like they were trying to last year. I remember a lot of news reports about uni drop-outs and lower intake rates.

To conclude, I think there's a huge amount of pressure put upon these young people. If my friend doesn't make it to Cambridge then I'm going to try my hardest to help her see that it isn't the end of the world, and she can still have a fantastic experience at one of the other 'top' British universities. I didn't go to one of these 'huge' universities, but I had the most amazing time at Chester. One of my reasons for trying to make it into academia and get published a lot is for this brilliant university to gain more recognition. Without the superb staff there, I seriously doubt I'd be in the position I am now: finishing off an MA and about to start a PhD. I owe the University of Chester an awful lot.

Monday, 17 August 2009

Friends, friends, friends.

Just over a month ago, my best friend of 11 years and I parted ways. I’ve just thought about this now, sitting at the computer desk in the library, and I’m surprised by how much this hasn’t really affected me. That sounds really bad but, oh dear God, I think I’m maturing. We met in Year 7 of secondary school (Roman Catholic co-ed) and pretty much stayed glued together since then. It was a kind of you-don’t-see-one-without-the-other thing. That’s putting a bit of a shine on it, and reducing it to its absolute basics, though. Looking back, it was never the friendship that I’d really wanted. There was one incident in I think it was Year 8, where we’d fallen out and the boys on our bus (2 of which Sarah and her sister Claire had on/off things with) made a bet that we would be mates again by the end of the week. Anyhow, we did make up by Friday, but Sarah said we had to stay quiet so she could win her bet. After I left for Chester, and she left for Manchester, we very rarely saw each other. There was one occasion a couple of months ago where I was going to Manchester for the day and she didn’t want to get out of bed an hour early to come to see me. That sounds really bitter, and I guess I am a bit. I threw a lot into our friendship, and I did expect some kind of return treatment.

For the last couple of times we’d met up, I felt on edge. It wasn’t as easy as it used to be, back in the days where we used to watch One Tree Hill all day and eat Ben and Jerry’s. I couldn’t put my finger on what had changed. Thinking now, I reckon it was simply a case of ‘growing apart’ (growingus apartus in its Latinate term). We’d taken very different paths from school: she’d chosen to go to the Grammar sixth form so she wouldn’t have to get up early for a bus, whereas I’d gone to the Catholic college twinned with our school. We were studying in a vaguely similar area at Uni, she was taking Classics and I was taking English, but we had very different feelings about our courses. I’m certainly not saying that best friends have to be very similar, but we always were, and I think it was when we changed that the friendship changed. Sarah was very boy-orientated, which I never have been, and an ex was the reason for her getting a 2:2 at Uni when she was clever enough to get a First. It was her 22nd birthday in the middle of July, and there was a family meal which she’d invited me to. We had a major argument the day after, during which a lot of unresolved issues were (loudly) aired, and it became clear that our friendship was beyond repair. We had very different priorities and views on friendship, and it would be better to leave it now.

We went to see Nickelback together last September (I bought us tickets for her 21st), and their songs always reminded me of our friendship. There’s one in particular, ‘Photograph’, which when I hear, I can almost see us driving down some pitch black country lane in my car, smoking, and singing as loudly as we possibly can. This song came on the radio a couple of weeks ago, and it made me get a bit emotional. I sent her a message saying that I didn’t want to leave our friendship on such a low note, and that I wish her luck in her life, etc. She replied saying that we don’t have to lose touch all together, and we could still be friends. I thought about this for a while, but realised that I shouldn’t cling onto the past just for the hell of it, just because that’s what I’ve done before, and I (politely) refused her offer.

One of my ‘facebook friends’ wrote the other day that you lose friends when you get older because you’re finding out who the proper ones are, and I think that’s true, but I think growing up also has a lot to do with it. I’ve had a lot of friends in relationships that aren’t happy, and I just don’t see the point in holding onto something just because it’s there. There’s that saying: ‘you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family’. That seems like a fairly poignant note to end on.